The End

THE END OF TRUMP
He descended from an escalator breathing like Darth Vader boarding the rebel ship in the first scene of Star Wars. We’ve been aghast ever since. But we can see the end of this Evil Empire now. It’s only months away. But how exactly does this menacing villain meet his demise? Predicting the final episode doesn’t require George Lucas, J.J. Abrams, or any mental acuity–not even a Magic 8-Ball. We know Donald Trump better than we know ourselves.

When this debacle ends, and we cancel this carnival barker’s show, he’ll pound his fists on the ground and howl in the night. He’ll crawl back to the safety of his opulent resort with his toadies in tow, gnaw on his QVC steaks, pop in on Mar-a-Lago weddings for adulation, cheat at golf, cheat on his taxes, cheat on his wife, and cheat employees. He’ll break more laws, become even more petty and cruel, and continue his role as America’s most pathetic victim.

Trump and his sycophants will keep peddling insane conspiracy theories while leaving unprecedented corruption in their wake. He’ll tweet from his throne in sniffling fits of rage, telling us that he did everything better than anyone who has ever lived as he searches for the next Central Park Five. He’ll scream out the windows of his penthouse suite that the new president is the worst in history, stare at commissioned paintings of himself, and warn us of make-believe caravans walking a thousand miles with their children to rape and murder us. And he’ll ensure his presidential library has the most square feet of any before him.

But we won’t have to listen to his xenophobia, misogyny, gaslighting, or tantrums anymore because he’ll be irrelevant. His power will be stripped except among bots, Russian hacks, racist superfans, and low-information voters who formed his base and debased society. He’ll continue to spew venom and flood the airwaves with toxic garbage, but now that he fixed everyone’s toilets, we’ll be able to flush away his pathological lies.

He’ll blame the FBI and CIA, Democrats and Republicans, the DNC, RNC, and MSNBC, Obama, Pelosi, Schumer, Mueller, Romney, Greta, Obama, the media, the whistleblower, kneeling football players, Obama, windmills, SNL, Puerto Rico, and Parasite. He’ll blame Pence, his staff, and everyone else from his inner circle except Stephen Miller, Limbaugh, Hannity, and Lewandowski. He’ll show no humility, express no regret, and never apologize.

We’ll shake our heads in disbelief that such a terrible person ever occupied the Oval Office. History books will note that he was everything our Founders feared–a King George of the 21st century absent the education and etiquette. Patriots would have tarred and feathered him and dragged him through the streets for his greed, vanity, and lawlessness.

The sun will rise on this country again. Our allies and foes will respect us. Sensible regulations that protect animals, people, and the planet will be reinstated and strengthened. The new president will focus on helping those most in need. Ruth Bader Ginsberg will peacefully retire. Law and order, although flawed, will be restored. Judges will no longer be attacked, and prosecutors will be allowed to do their jobs. The media will ask questions without having their reputations smeared. Qualified professionals will hold cabinet positions.

The new president will be civil, humble, and honest, respect women, immigrants, people of color, and the LGBTQ community, and will not conflate white supremacists and the people protesting them. We’ll take steps to protect our elections, and our diplomats will be appreciated. Climate change will receive the attention it deserves, and responsible policies will seek to address it. Science will matter again. Facts will matter. The new administration will follow laws and the U.S. Constitution.

The scars will be deep from this presidency, and the damage long-lasting. People’s lives and careers have been inexcusably ruined. Countless animals have been killed. The planet’s health has been degraded. Decency has been ravaged. The nation’s reputation has been shattered. We will look back upon this era in shock that it happened, but grateful that we rallied to stop it before it irreparably eroded our democracy.

It’s time for Lord Trump to go back up the escalator from whence he came and return to his hotel room with his stormtroopers. Perhaps J.J. Abrams will invite Trump to play himself in Star Wars X: The Last Sociopath. Or maybe a more fitting part would be in Home Alone VI. His cabinet could play the burglars.